If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly or the couch. If you can't manage this in time, get to an oriental rug. Lacking an oriental rug, shag carpeting is good.

Doors: About them:

• A. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it; you may change your mind.
• B. When you have ordered an outdoor door opened, stand half-in and half-out and think about several things (particularly during very cold weather or mosquito season.)

• A. After dinner, when walking on the dinner table among the dishes, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea to convey is "But you let me do it when there isn't any company."
• B. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. You will know him because he will call you "nice kitty".
• C. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs select colors which contrasts with your own. Example: white-furred cats, a good black wool is best.
•  Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.
• E. For guests who say, "I love kitties", be ready with:
• 1. Aloof disdain
• 2. Claws applied to stockings
• 3. Quick sharp nip in the ankle

Never drink water from your own bowl if there are other sources. The toilet bowl water is usually good.

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. This way, you cannot be seen, therefore, stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and soothed.

If one of them is sewing, or working with paper and pens, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called hampering. Following are main tips for hampering:

• A. For book readers, get in close under the chin; unless, of course, you can lie across the book itself.
• B. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This causes what they call a "dropped stitch". She will try to distract you with a ball of yarn, which is ridiculous. Ignore it.
• C. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (yearly activity) keep in mind the aim: to hamper. First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed off table for the second time, push pens, pencils and erasers off the table, one at a time.

Learn to hear the can opener no matter where you are or what you are doing. This usually means tuna fish is being served.

Start this training early, and you will have a smooth running household. Humans need to know a few basic rules which they can be taught easily if one starts in time.